Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Bill Hall can steal first base

Inspired by his recent heroics, I've decided to reprint a collection of statements and pictures about Bill Hall, created by the fine members at the message board. Enjoy ...Bill Hall demands it.

Bill Hall
  • Bill Hall throws himself batting practice.
  • Bill Hall doesn't take days off. He simply learns a new position.
  • Ned Yost goes up to Bill Hall before each game, asks Bill if he'll be pencilled in as Manager for the game, then bows to Bill and thanks him profusely and goes back to his office.
  • Bill Hall doesn't strike out. He merely allows pitchers to live.
  • Bill Hall has perfected the 6-6-6 double play. Out of fear, Satan hands over this symbol to Bill Hall.
  • Bill Hall doesn't steal bases, he liberates them.
  • No matter how many times you tell yourself "I'm a white guy and he's younger than me", Bill Hall is still your father.

  • Bill Hall is the only man in history to turn an unassisted quadruple play.
  • Bill Hall's bat is not made out of wood, but out of Nerf because otherwise it wouldn't be fair.
  • There are no steroids in baseball, only players Bill Hall has breathed on.
  • Bill Hall doesn't believe in the American League.
  • Lisa Dergan and Scott Podsednik only hooked up after Bill Hall told him "you can have one of my ugly ones".
  • That isn't a wad of tobacco in Bill Hall's mouth, it's barbed-wire. He says it "levels the playing-field."

  • Bill Hall's glove isn't made out of cow leather, it's made out of the skin of the minotaur, which he killed when he was 6.
  • When Bill Hall doesn't feel like hitting a homer, he simply picks up a ball and throws it into left-field, striking Bernie Brewer in the head with enough force to cause him to tumble down the slide.
  • Once, after batting practice, the umpires realized that they had simply run out of baseballs. It turns out that Bill Hall had hit all of them out of the stadium. Feeling responsible, Bill Hall poured 5,000 full cups of water out of a single water-cooler. He then turned the water into baseballs.
  • Bill Hall can triple your career ERA in one AB.
  • Bill Hall blows bubbles with Skoal Mint.
  • Out of fear and respect, President Bush passed legislation to rename Mother's Day. Its new name will be "Bill Hall presents Pink Bat Walk-Off Day".

  • For Geoff Jenkins' birthday, instead of bringing a stripper into the clubhouse, the rest of the team convinced Bill Hall to show Geoff his bicep.
  • Bill Hall can steal first base.
  • Bill Hall once hit a 5-run homer.
  • Bill Hall lets Mark Attanasio "play boss".
  • Pete Rose was betting on Bill Hall. Can you blame him?
  • Earlier this season, after beating the Reds 11-0, Bill Hall decided it wasn't fair and played for Cinncinati the next day.
  • Bill Hall hits right handed out of pity for pitchers.
  • Hitting with Bill Hall on MLB 2006 makes the X-Box implode.
  • Bill Hall swings a special bat in the on deck circle; it's made of lead and weighs 100 lbs.
  • Bill Hall's name is used as the constitution in every country that plays baseball.
  • In the official version of the baseball records, all of them are marked with asterisks. The text next to the asterisk reads "this record exists only because Bill Hall has not yet chosen to break it".
  • Once, Bill Hall caught a foul ball playing center field.
  • Miller Park was only built because Bill Hall decided to move County Stadium to his backyard in order to host an annual reenactment of the movie 'Major League'.
  • Steroids inject Bill Hall.
  • Bill Hall once played shortstop, second base, and outfield in an afternoon game at Miller Park against the Astros. He then took 94 east to start at point gaurd for the Bucks in a game against the Rockets. The game was the first shutout in NBA history. The next day, the Texans instantly forfieted their game against the Packers after hearing that Bill Hall would be starting at quarterback. The city of Houston has since been renamed Bill Hall, Texas.

  • A catcher once tried to block the plate in front of Bill Hall. This is now known as the worst mistake in baseball history.
  • Whenever a first baseman is seen conversing with Bill Hall, he is simply apologizing for him for consuming Bill's oxygen.
  • Bill Hall hit a ball so hard off the Coke Bottle at Pac Bell that it turned into Crystal Pepsi.
  • When playing catcher, Bill Hall doesn't wear a cup. Baseballs can't dent steel.
  • During the game, the official scorer scores a home run as "BH".
  • Bill Hall gives chewing tobacco cancer.
  • Bill Hall was the MVP of the 1982 ALCS.
  • Bill Hall was told he couldn't join myspace because the site will crash once someones "friends" total reaches 10 Billion.
  • Once, Bill Hall hit for the cycle in the same at bat.
  • PPD stands for 'Postponed because Bill Hall says so'.
  • Baseball officials unanimously voted to rename the sport from "baseball" to "billhall."
  • Bill Hall once robbed a home run by simply telling the ball to stop flight.
  • Bill Hall has been named the lone National League representative at the 2006 All Star Game.
  • Bill Hall told Brett Favre to "man-up" like a good Mississippi boy and play in 2006.
  • Bill Hall understands the balk rule.
  • Bill Hall is to Jesus as Jesus is to Jesus.
  • Double headers were invented in an attempt to tire out Bill Hall...the idea failed miserably
  • The only reason there is an off season is because Bill Hall wanted others to regain confidence.

  • Roger Clemens is hiding from Bill Hall.
  • Bill Hall doesn't chew tobacco. Tobacco is for sissies. Bill Hall chews asbestos.
  • Bud Selig fought to keep Bill Hall out of the WBC, saying "we're trying to build bridges between nations, not crush them 500 feet to dead center".
  • Bill Hall once played 11 positions in the same game.
  • The knuckle ball only occurs because the ball gets nervous about Bill Hall.
  • Bill Hall hit a 600 foot homer for show and tell in kindergarten.
  • Bill Hall didn't toil in the minor leagues, he actually is a natural lefty who was teaching himself to hit right-handed out of fairness to the league.
  • Ben Sheets did not stop shaving, he stopped letting Bill Hall touch his face.
  • Bill Hall thought that Chad Bradford's pitching motion was stupid, so he decided he would hit a game winning home run with a pink bat. After that, Chad Bradford decided to roll the ball to home plate when he pitched.
  • Bill Hall once won the MVP, Rookie of the Year, and Cy Young awards in both leagues, all while playing shortstop in high school.
  • Julio Franco is only able to keep playing because Bill Hall likes talking to him at first.
  • Bill Hall's contract has an incentive clause simply labeled "stud fees".


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